


College is Wild Yall

by ArtlessComedic



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Anthology, College AU, Drabble, Drug and Alcohol Use, Fire, Fireworks, Gen, M/M, Nerf Gun Abuse, Unreliable Narrator, nothing like serious but theyre college kids being dumb, sporadic storytelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:15:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27399346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtlessComedic/pseuds/ArtlessComedic
Summary: a fun short stories about some college roommates having a Fucking Timegood GOD these dudes need therapy
Relationships: Benrey/Tommy Coolatta
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	1. Burglary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i used to be a robber like you  
> then i took an arrow to the ass

Alright so Bubby hates this story because they say they will be eternally disappointed in Tommy because they think he should have killed the guy.   
  
Alright so it was like a Tuesday night and Tommy was home with this dog he found, Benrey was high as balls in their room, Forzen was studying, Gordon was out on a date, and Darnold was out running errands.

Benrey has their lights off because they've got this moving LED night light thing and they're laying on the floor just watching it shift around. Forzen has his shades drawn so you can’t tell his room has lights on, and Tommy has his lights off because of reasons. So from outside, it looks like nobody’s home.   
  
So this guy had come to a couple of their house parties. Total skeez.

Benrey found him once trying to get into Darnold’s room but they like to try to see the best in people so they just kind of assumed he was lost and brushed it off. In retrospect, for his safety they probably should have started something about it because then he wouldn’t have tried breaking in, but whatever he made the decisions, he dealt with the consequences.   
  
The consequences here being an arrow in the ass.   
  
So anyways he thought there wasn’t anyone home so he figured that would be the perfect time to break in. So Tommy is in his room playing with a  _ probably  _ stolen dog and he hears a window break down the hall, and basically immediately Forzen sends him a text saying he hears someone in the hall.

He texts him back asking him what he has, and he tells Tommy he has a bat and a switchblade, which makes Tommy disappointed in him for not having better weapons, and then question himself because he expects his roommates to be heavily armed.   
  
So he goes into his closet and grabs his quiver and bow, and text Forzen that he'll meet him at his door.   
  
So important information: Tommy is really good with a bow because he used to bow hunt constantly. Every year, he would go to Pennsylvania to visit his cousins, and every year while he was there, they would go out in the woods with his cousin and his neighbors and hunt.

They would spend a week out in the woods, and everyone would hunt for their own food. Tommy started going with them before they thought he was old enough to safely use a gun, so instead they always made him use a bow, and you get really good at bow hunting when missing means going hungry for the night.   
  
The bow Tommy owned then was a present from these guys, a custom made carbon fiber recurve with a steel core piece and a +gauge bowstring. The carbon fiber kept it light, which allowed for a small steel core to increase flex resistance. The +gauge string, which increased flex resistance even more, which meant that if he got to a full draw on the bow, he was firing arrows at insane speeds.   
  
So back to the apartment, Tommy is creeping down the hall and Forzen is waiting in the door of his room and he indicates that whoever is in the house is in the spare room where they keep their LARP shit. So they creep down the hall and Tommy takes a stance and draws back fully and Forzen grabs the handle and throws the door open.   
  
So Tommy sees this guy and doesn't recognize him so his brain’s like “yup, you should shoot him” so he stops his breathing to make sure he hits him and in that half second he realises two very important things.   
  
1\. He's fully drawn back   
2\. He's aimed at the back of his head

So if he lets go he is going to fucking kill this guy, and he's pretty sure that it’s not worth it so he tried to loosen his draw, which is really fucking hard, and he's bringing the bow down so he doesn't kill him and he might have been trying to shoot him in the leg but here’s the thing:

The combination of trying to loosen the draw, aiming somewhere else, and the realization that he was a twitch away from murdering a dude made Tommy uncomfortable and when he's uncomfortable, Tommy makes weird noises.   
  
So this guy is rummaging through a box of cables when he hears what sounds like someone choking on a furball behind him, so he starts to turn. But him turning triggers Tommy to release the arrow and he realizes a tiny bit too late where he was pointing.   
  
The next part literally felt like slow motion to him like- he watched the arrow launch off of his bow, and saw it sail gracefully through the air, and he watched this guy, blissfully unaware of what’s about to happen to him, and he sees just shock and surprise on his face as the arrow hits him directly in the center of the ass.   
  
So obviously there’s now screaming and bleeding and bad times and the dog he brought home comes out of his room and he doesn't need to see this, poor thing, and Benrey shows up and they're like “what’s going on” and Tommy was like “I just shot a dude in the ass” and they're like “lol like you usually shoot me in the ass” and Tommy is like “no I literally shot a dude in the ass call an ambulance”

so they call an ambulance and they show up and take him to the hospital and the arrow went through his anus and punctured his intestines and tore his scrotum open-- dude got fucked up.

So for the rest of the year the other guys thought it was hilarious like Tommy literally shot him in the butthole yeah they never let that one go.   


He never got the arrow back.


	2. Fireworks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fire and chaos

First of all, fireworks were a constant in that fucking building from day one.

These fuckheads had a minimum of fifteen pounds of party explosives at any given moment. And they used them regularly. And they learned some fun lessons about how to use fireworks indoors!   
  
This story is about how their neighbors across the street learned those lessons all in one day.   
  
So everyone in the House fucking loved fireworks.

They also unironically loved Katy Perry’s Firework but that’s unrelated. Forzen, Benrey, and Gordon would make regular trips deep into Colorado to load up two cars and an suv with exploding joy.

On one of their trips, the neighbors across the street decided they wanted in. And these guys were....well. Idiots at best, dirtbags at worst.

So the dirtbag neighbors have this fucking old school hippie van, and followed our protags across the state line, and spent a stupid amount of money on fireworks as well.   
  
So a couple days after  _ our _ dirtbags get back, Darnold reveals his greatest invention which is a mobile launching station.

It’s literally a Tonka dump truck with an adjustable jack to set the angle of the four steel tubes he welded to the truck bed, a protractor glued to the frame to help measure angles perfectly, and with lockable brakes for the wheels to keep it from moving when you shot it.   
  
It was fucking brilliant.   
  
So naturally everyone wants to test that bad boy out as soon as possible, so Benrey rolls it onto the little balcony, and everyone takes turns firing shit out onto the street. They're launching shit like wild and throwing a little fireworks celebration for the dirtbag neighbors because why the fuck not (it’s like November btw) and the neighbors across the street decide to join in because why not. So they’re in their bathroom, shooting shit out their window, and everything is going great! Until they decide it’s a competition.   
  
This is a terrible decision because our guys have four stable tubes, and the other guys have two that are propped up on books. Also to be fair Gordon was kinda the one who decided it should be a competition.   
  
So the inevitable happens, and one of their tubes tips and their mortar does not make it out the window. Shit goes off in their bathroom and things start catching fire.

The immediate reaction is rather smart, as they start chucking shit out the window, throwing everything out, smoking on its way down- and after about a minute, a box launches out the window, hits the sidewalk in front of the building, breaks open, and then explodes as  _ all of the fireworks inside catch fire. _   
  
They throw two more boxes out the window and they both explode into amazing colors, car alarms are going off, there is fire literally flying all over the place,  _ pretty _ sure a couple windows were broken-

And the dirtbags are in their apartment laughing their asses off, still shooting off fireworks because they're assholes.

Someone down the block finally has enough sense to call the fire department, and they show up and put out the fire in front of the house. At that point the fire inside had already been handled, so don't worry about anyone inside, they're fine. Physically.   
  
Here’s the thing about Socorro firemen: they are the fucking coolest. They literally don’t give a shit what you do as long as you’re not doing it in a way that’ll get someone killed.

Fireworks are technically illegal in Socorro city limits, but nobody really cares as long as you aren’t being reckless. So when they finish putting out the fire, they spend twenty minutes basically making fun of the neighbors for shooting off fireworks from inside, while our dirtbags on the other side of the street are laughing their asses off.   
  
So that night as a sort of apology to these guys, Forzen threw a party and they shot off most of the remaining fireworks from the balcony-- and the lesson here kids is make sure your base is stable when you’re shooting fireworks, or they will  _ fuck your shit up good. _


	3. Nerf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things escalate  
> and then again.
> 
> someone is gonna die probably

Everyone knows, rightfully so, that factory built Nerf guns are bullshit. They’re weak, darts are too fucking light, the barrels cause too much friction, which makes them inaccurate and slow, and you have to re-cock them after each shot. That’s some fucking bullshit right there.

So Tommy fixed it.  
  
He bought new, higher tensile springs. He bought PVC pipe and lubricant. He put BBs in the tips of his darts, and the crazy retired physics professor down the street, Doctor Coomer, even put in a second spring to automatically cock the guns, essentially turning them from bolt action pieces of shit into _semi-automatic friendship-ruiners._  
  
OBVIOUSLY this led to everyone else in the building buying Nerf guns and modifying the shit out of them.  
  
However, some of them were terrible shots, so certain measures had to be taken to make it possible for them to keep up. Darnold practiced in his room every day, Benrey built an extended clip for their gun, and Gordon bought the fucking Vulcan and built a 600 dart belt for it because he decided aiming is for people who can’t fire 6 darts a second (he modded it for doubled firing speed using a small car battery and replaced mechanics).  
  
And then there was Forzen.

Forzen was fucking terrible. Like almost so bad it couldn’t be for real. He once tried to ambush Benrey coming around a corner from two feet away and missed by a good 6-7 inches. He literally could have slapped them and he missed. Whatever moving on.  
  
So Forzen decides to solve his aim problems in the most Forzen way possible: online shopping. He bought 500 foam pellets for a marshmallow gun, two dozen foam discs, and a motherfucking t-shirt cannon.  
  
You see, Forzen, much like Gordon, decided aiming was for lames. So he would pour foam pellets into the cannon until it was half full, slip in a disc to keep them from falling out, then shotgun people in the face. Benrey was his first victim and boy that shit is terrifying.  
  
So Forzen became the big dog in the house during Nerf battles, and the rest of the gang found themselves unable to compete. So they all escalated in their own insane ways. Tommy and Benrey, the former champions, modified their guns to fire faster, Darnold added an extended magazine to his gun, Gordon built a harness so that he could shoot his fucking stupid fucking bullet-storm piece of shit while moving. Benrey booby-trapped various parts of the house. Suddenly, they were all better than Forzen again, so he decided to step his game up.  
  
He started making paper cartridges that would explode open once fired. Suddenly, he could actually fire multiple times a minute, which meant once again, he was at the top. It didn’t help that their reluctance to shoot back out of fear of getting shot was allowing him to take his time, therefore drastically improving his aim.  
  
So they stepped up again. Gordon smooths out the cocking mechanism on his guns, improving his firing speed even faster. Benrey adds more weight to their darts, making them heavier and faster and much more painful. Gordon buys a bigger battery, newer parts, and he perfects his belts, which increases his firing speed to 12 darts a second.  
  
So Forzen steps up to take advantage of his improved aim and buys something called a Pucker Chucker- which basically is a t-shirt cannon except it shoots foam pucks. This means the others can’t just shoot at him from the other side of the house anymore, so they all step up again.

Tommy modifies the rail on top to make aiming easier, and modifies his grip to make it more comfortable, Gordon and Darnold modify their barrels to make them more accurate, and Benrey jumps on board the crazy train and builds a _goddamn under barrel cherry bomb launcher._  
  
And this is where shit starts to spiral out of control.  
  
Darnold starts making smoke grenades, Gordon solves his weakness against close quarters combat by using his battery to create a cattle prod to keep people back. Tommy breaks the head off an old golf club to use the shaft as a weapon, Benrey puts pins in the tips of all of their darts, and Forzen realizes that the Pucker Chucker can also shoot _real hockey pucks_ after he steals a bucket of pucks from Benrey's room.  
  
So it escalated a couple more steps but we're going to leave them out partially out of a desire to keep moving forward and partially out of shame!

When they pull out their final contraptions and modifications that day, they shifted from light-hearted fun that was a bit too far to literally combat. Benrey had a sword. No idea where he got it from.  
  
That battle was terrifying. Their normal fights were like an hour, two hours tops, then they would clean up, get together in the living room with some beers, and laugh about what happened. Honestly they should have known this was going to happen, because when they did this after their previous fight, the laughter was less “haha remember when I shot Benrey in the butthole? Classic.” and more “haha remember when I missed your face with that puck? Next time I won't miss.”  
  
So they somehow get into a battle again and this time things go south quickly which is bound to happen when you have a dude in a speedo swinging a sword around while rolling fireworks down the hall. It was literally chaos. There were fireworks and homemade smoke grenades and Gordon made the electrical current in his cattle prod too strong and it was too close to the muzzle of his Vulcan so every few seconds you would just see a flaming dart wiz past- and Forzen built a fucking flamethrower and who knows what the fuck is going on so Tommy is just firing in the general direction of Benrey to keep them the fuck away. At some point Darnold barricades himself in his room, and so they all run back to their rooms and hide.  
  
They do this for three days. THREE DAYS.

They missed classes.

They all had junk food in their rooms, and private bathrooms, so that’s what they sustained themselves on for three fucking days. Forzen, however, tries to eat healthy, so he ran out of food almost immediately. After not eating for a day and a half, with food literally less than 50 feet from where he was hiding, Forzen decided that he was willing to risk a trip to the kitchen.  
  
So here’s something important about their house: Forzen is the only one who knew how to cook. He had tried to teach the others, but all that had accomplished was several kitchen fires. This meant when Tommy also ran out of food, he knew the only way to get a meal was to make peace with him. So he had snuck down the hall to Forzen's door, intent on asking him for help.  
  
He did not know Tommy was there.  
  
So when Forzen opened the door and saw a crouching figure in the shadows nearby, he assumed, maybe justifiably, that it was the guy who had been swinging a sword at all of them the last time he saw him. So Forzen pulled the trigger on his homemade flamethrower, only to see Tommy's horrified face illuminated by the flames for a split second before they hit his torso.  
  
Luckily, Forzen was using a scavenged fuel source (computer screen cleaner), so the flames were weak, but still fire is fire and fire fucking hurts. So Tommy is rolling on the floor with first degree burns on his stomach and chest, and Forzen is freaking out because Tommy is his friend and Forzen just set him on fire, so there is now a lot of screaming coming from the hall.  
  
Now, to lighten the mood slightly, here’s a personality test. You hear the sounds of fire, followed shortly by screaming coming from the hall outside your room. What do you do?  
  
Do you assume the crazy sword guy has finally snapped and is going to kill you all, so you climb out the window onto the fire escape? Congratulations, you’re Darnold.  
  
Do you hear the cries of pain and grab a first aid kit before sprinting into the hall to help? Hey! You’re Gordon!  
  
Do you come out into the hall to see what’s going on but also bring your sword just in case you have to stab someone? You are Benrey and also mentally unstable please put your sword away.  
  
So Gordon comes out and starts administering first aid, and luckily through a combination of the weakness of his fuel source, how quickly Tommy stopped the flames, and the quickness of Gordon's treatments, Tommy only gets some first degree burns on their torso. Forzen puts out the last of the flames, Benrey decides they don't want to stab anyone today, and Darnold decides that the lack of screaming is a good thing and he comes inside. Forzen spends the next hour apologizing profusely while cooking everyone dinner, and they decide that hey, they should probably have some rules for their Nerf fights to prevent this from ever happening again.  
  
So they all eat, they establish rules about modifications and ammunition, and at the end of it all, they grab some beers, head into the living room, and tell Benrey he needs to get rid of the sword seriously dude where did you get that from?  
  



	4. Shark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone stop him.
> 
> what the fuck is chronology?

FUCK. OKAY.   
  
Being completely responsible and reliable college kids, from ages 21 to 23, everyone in this dorm was drunk like 900% of the time when they were all living together.

  
Get this: Tommy used to be in a band. I shan't tell you their name because they suked. But yeah! They all lived together in this awesome ass apartment-turned-dorm. It was this rad old apartment building that their dean or someone purchased to use as a slightly off-campus but still technically on-campus dorm building. It was literally the fifth floor of the building and it was the BEST. They fucking ruined that place.   
  
Someone remind me to talk about the roommate that would drill holes in his wall after parties. Or the kitchen fires. Or the fireworks. Or the time they made their neighbor set his bathroom on fire. Or the jakuzi that almost electrocuted their friend. They fucked up a lot there.   
  
Anyways so this one roommate, the center of our story tonight, is Forzen. Forzen was a fucking stock genius he works at a firm now but he made like $20k a year in college because he just fucking knew how the market would go. He had so much fucking cash and he was so fucking nice if you were short on rent or couldn’t afford food he’d spot you no questions. Everyone loved him, full homo.

So yeah Forzen had mad cash but Forzen also had a fucking problem. I mean they all had problems, but Forzen's problem was online shopping. Motherfucker loved online shopping. But only when he was drunk, and it was always some crazy shit. Dude has like 3900 pairs of fucking knockoff wayfarers because he once bought a 4k box because bro you lose some you gotta have some spares you know?

So before they all moved in together, Forzen was dating this girl. Total sweetie, she really cared about him they were adorable as fuck. Any night they went out partying and she was with them, she could stop him from doing stupid by distracting him with sexy.

The problem was nights when she couldn’t go out, because he woud do something stupid and buy some shit. Even though they tried, no one else could ever stop him because he was a fucking  _ ebay ninja _ . But his girlfriend would alway check his browser history when she came over to see if he bought anything stupid. One time she got mad at him about buying 60 shirts online that weren’t even his size, so he started to delete his browser history when he drunk shopped because he didn’t want her to get mad.

Anyways they broke up it was super sad like they’re still pretty close but they just knew they weren’t going to work out you know like when you're dating someone and they like have different life goals from you, yeah that was what’s up.   
  
So yeah when they all moved in together, Forzen was deleting his browser history when he bought shit so no one knew he bought something until it fucking showed up at the place. This is one of those fucking times.   
  
So Darnold comes home from class and outside the apartment is a UPS truck- and not like one of the normal UPS trucks, like a fucking  _ trucker _ truck, this shit is massive, and there’s two dudes in front of the building with this box that's bigger than the both of them combined and Darnold is just like _ oh fucking no please dear god please baby jesus no _ and they’re like are you Forzen and Darnold literally swore at the sky. Guy doesn't even believe in god he was just so fucking mad  _ fuck. _ So he signs for the package because he's only mostly a douche not a complete douche, and this box is eight feet long, three feet tall, and four feet wide. It’s fucking big   
  
So the dorm-apartment, remember, is on the fifth floor, and the only two ways to get to it are an elevator and fire escapes and Darnold wasn’t getting this shit inside alone so he literally sits on the stoop for an hour until two of the others show up- Gordon and, thankfully, Tommy- and they go get a rope, and they fucking make this bullshit pulley system to pull it up to the balcony! And then they barely get it in and they're standing in the living room like three dicks just staring at this box because it’s addressed to “fukc you” but it’s our apartment on the label so it clearly belongs to someone.

Or someone mailed in a comically large bomb and they're all going to die.

So another asshole (Benrey this time) shows up and they're just as confused and then a couple friends show up and suddenly there’s six people in this apartment-dorm staring at a box like  _ what is this shit. _   
  
So Forzen gets home and sure fucking enough it’s his fucking box. So he goes and gets a box cutter and opens that fucker up and holy shit they were unprepared for what was inside.   
  
So totally related fun fact: if you catch a shark you can’t keep it. However! You can take pictures and measure it and take them to those people that stuff dead things I forget their names anyways, you take them to these guys and they will make you a fiberglass replica of the shark and you can mount that fucker up on your wal all day long fuck yeah!   
  
So Forzen opens this box and starts digging through the fucking packing peanuts and he makes this face because he’s just caught something and he pulls up a fucking fiberglass shark by it’s FUCKING MOUTH and everyone's just like what in the everloving fuck is going on and he’s just like oh so that’s what I bought like literally NO FUCKING REACTION TO THE FUCKING SHARK HE IS HOL DING BY THE MOUTH.

So yeah they all kinda laugh it off and Gordon's like this is going up in here this is awesome and Forzen just looks at the others with the most serious face ever and he’s like no, this is going up in my room.

And of course everyone else laughs because how the fuck is that going to work but then he drags the fucker down the hall and forces it through his doorway and?? Okay! And everyone goes to their room to either study or fuck and that’s all anyone hears about it for like two months.   
  
So jumping forward a few years, they're moving out because some of the people in that apartment got real jobs and abandoned the others-- anyways they're going around and looking at all of the damage they've caused and like holy shit some of it is  _ bad _ . They get to the kid next to Forzen's room and everyone collectively almost shits their pants.   
  
Benrey was the dude in the room next to Forzen and let me tell you Benrey was ALWAYS high. You can bet good money their first words were bruh or some shit. Best bassist you've ever met though.

Anyways, they get to Benrey’s room and walk in and staring directly at everyone is a fucking shark head.

Apparently when Forzen tried hanging the Shark up, he predictably got drunk first, then also predictably got annoyed with how hard it was, and smashed it through the wall. Benrey probably didn’t notice for a week.   
  
So Darnold's like what the fuck is this shit and Benrey’s like oh yeah thats Duke like they named the fucking shark coming out of their wall.   
  
So have any of you readers ever been to a frat party? Have you ever heard a dude ask a girl if she wanted to see his fish tank? It was always bullshit of course, but it was a reason for them to head back to his room and bone. That’s what Benrey was doing with this fucking shark. They would ask people they were hitting on if they wanted to see a shark head and then they would smoke a bowl and fuck. Incredible.   
  
Anyways it takes all five of them to get this fucking shark out of the fucking wall and they find out the apartment isn't up to code because there’s literally one stud in the wall anyways whatever not important- because they broke the fucking shark and Forzen cried and they all agreed to never live together ever again because they were drunken messes.


End file.
